For those of you who are thinking pumice sounds like something your cat leaves on the carpet, here’s a quick little geology lesson. Pumice is actually formed from the magma of an erupting volcano. As it cools, it forms a network of gas bubbles that are frozen along with volcanic glass and minerals, leaving a lightly-abrasive surface.

Now that we’ve shared this ancient secret with you, you have to do exactly what we say—it’s a trust thing. Okay? Eliminate all thoughts of loofahs, medicated pads, steel wool, 60-grit sandpaper, and those clever scraper blades designed just for callouses that tear your fingers to shreds when you put the blade in (and then proceed to do the same to your heels, elbows, and any other horny body part with which they get up close and personal). Having thereby purified yourself, proceed to pick up your Baudelaire Pumice Stone and initiate yourself to the true abrasive miracle that is pumice. (Actually, a little foot soak before and a little lotion after the fact might help also.)

While you’re lightly abrading yourself, you’ll be pleased to learn that in Greek Mythology, pumice, “Kienpie” to its friends, was formed during the unification of Vulcan and Venus, the Goddess of Beauty. Yow! Talk about sparks flying! The ancients knew that when your favorite God and Goddess go to all that trouble to present you with a mythological gift, it’s got to be good for something. After much trial and error (yeah, they tried eating it, but let’s not go there) those clever Grecian fellas found the formula—i.e., pumice was ideal for removing callouses and other dermatological imperfections. The Mayans also gathered pumice, or “Hux Tunich,” and used it to clean animal skins; that’s why their animals never had callouses!

Now that you’ve opened a large space in your heart (and a small one in your budget) for this miracle of ancient geology, use it regularly, and always say a little prayer of thanks to your favorite deity (or your friends at Baudelaire) for letting you in on the hidden secret of smooth skin. Because, while feet and elbows may not be particularly pretty, they are reputed to be erogenous zones for the truly trendy, as well as useful for other, more everyday, functions.

You should be aware, however, that the pumice market is peopled with pernicious purveyors who simply pile up any old gray matter, mix it with glue, and want you to rub it on your feet. Yuck! Our pumice is hand-picked on the beaches of the Yucatan. We know…you’re thinking: “Is this any way to make a living? Picking pumice by the seashore?” Well, it sure is for our secret source. Rumored to be an ancient sage of the geologic persuasion, he wanders the Yucatan shores, selecting only those stones that speak to him in voices that only folks like him (and we!) ever hear.

How do you know that you are holding a true Baudelaire Pumice Stone? Well each one is unique, but, most important of all, they float! Go ahead…try that with your pumice stone. The artificial ones sink.

So, dear friends, in the words of the ancient sage…while everybody, indeed, must get stoned, only a select few are worthy of being pumiced.